Real Talk About: Communication & Intimacy in Early Parenthood
We’re going there! We’re spilling the tea.
I’m so excited about this important conversation with Couples Therapist Shirley Hung.
Shirley, please tell us a bit about what you do and how you work with couples.
Shirley: Over the last 10 years, I have worked as a couples therapist in Toronto, Canada in both a community setting and in private practice. I identify as an Asian therapist in an intercultural relationship and a mother of two.
My husband and I went through a fertility journey and experienced pregnancy losses.
I am passionate about supporting couples who are on the family building journey and raising young children. I help them respond to each other in new ways, learn healthier ways to manage conflict, and deepen intimacy. I also help couples who are healing from affairs as well as navigating intercultural, interfaith relationships.
In addition, I work with women who are experiencing fertility challenges, pregnancy loss and postpartum mood issues.
Adrienne: What is one of the top challenges you see couples struggling with in the immediate post-birth period?
Shirley: One of the biggest challenges I see is feeling alone and disconnected. The immediate post-birth period is intense and physically demanding with sleep deprivation, and emotionally overwhelming with a lot of new adjustments and uncertainties.
Shifting roles and the lack of time for oneself and each other as a couple can make small miscommunications feel enormous.
In the early postpartum window, the goal is to stay emotionally available, accessible, and engaged with each other.
Even small moments of turning toward each other — a quick check-in, a thank you, or a hug can convey to your partner that you're in it together and protect the bond during a huge transition when everything feels new and out of control.
Adrienne: When I was a new mom, I remember really struggling with the loss of autonomy, and feeling challenged by the need to up-level communication with my partner.
When you have a baby, you can’t just take off and leave the house anymore, for example. Everything requires more planning and discussion.
Can you share a few general tips for how to approach a tricky conversation with your partner, especially when it comes to balancing parenting responsibilities with individual needs?
Shirley: When approaching a tricky conversation, I often encourage couples to:
1. Pick the right moment
Don’t start a heavy conversation at 11pm when everyone is depleted.
Timing matters. Ask: “Is this a good time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”
2. Express your feelings and needs without criticism
There’s a big difference between “You never help at night” and “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and alone at night, and I really need more support.”
The second invites partnership instead of defensiveness.
3. Stay curious
We are often preoccupied with trying to convince our partner to agree with us.
Stay open and curious, and listen to really understand. Ask questions to clarify your interpretation and gain a better understanding.
Most importantly, remember: you’re on the same team. The goal isn’t to win the argument — it’s to build a system that supports both of you.
Adrienne: After my daughter was born, I was not prepared for how the physical changes in my body would affect me. I felt unrecognizable to myself. There were parts of my body I didn’t even want to go near or think about. Everything felt SO swollen and out of place.
When you work with couples, do you discuss how having a baby impacts intimacy with a partner? What would you say to someone who is worried about how they’ll heal and is concerned that could change how their partner sees them?
Shirley: Yes, I often explore with couples how the transition to parenthood changes their intimacy. Early parenthood profoundly impacts the relationship dynamic including shifting roles and identity.
I would validate that your body just did something extraordinary. It is very normal to feel different, unfamiliar, and concerned about your own body.
When someone worries, “What if my partner sees me differently?” I slow things down and explore what the underlying emotions are and the narratives. How do they see themselves and how do they see their partner?
I would encourage couples to have open conversations about intimacy and to reflect and redefine what intimacy is. It is about connection instead of performance or intercourse. Naming the fear and insecurity, “I’m feeling vulnerable in my body right now” can create feelings of connection and closeness instead of distance. I also encourage non-sexual touch as a bridge to intimacy.
Adrienne: Is it common for the birthing person to feel pressure (from their partner) for physical intimacy or to experience misalignment around readiness?
Just because someone has been given the all-clear from their healthcare provider doesn’t mean they are ready. Can you suggest some tips for navigating a conversation about this without hurting feelings?
Shirley: Yes, misalignment around readiness is extremely common.
Medical clearance simply means the body has healed enough to resume intercourse safely. It does not mean desire has returned.
One partner may feel eager for physical reconnection; the other may feel touched-out, depleted, or anxious. Neither person is wrong — but without open communication, it can quickly turn into rejection on one side and pressure on the other.
The goal is not to “fix” either partner. A few ways to navigate this gently:
I would encourage couples to have open conversations about intimacy. To stay open and curious about each other’s experiences and reduce the likelihood of interpreting hesitation as rejection or the expression of desire as pressure.
I also encourage non-sexual touch and affection, such as kissing, cuddling, massages, as a bridge to intimacy.
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed is a big factor contributing to emotional disconnection and low (or a lack of) desire in a relationship, especially in the transition to parenthood.
Both emotional and practical support for the partner who has less desire can be helpful in their ability to practise self-care which might allow desire to happen naturally.
Here are some conversation starters:
When do you feel the most desire (eg. well rested, on vacation)?
When do you feel the least desire? (eg. stress, fatigue, arguments)?
What would you like to change about our intimacy?
What kind of physical touch outside of sex do you enjoy the most?
How can we create more time and opportunities for intimacy?
Adrienne: Thank you so much Shirley for your valuable insight. I know this is going to help so many people!
Find out more about Shirley and her offerings below:
Shirley Hung-Truchot, MSW RSW
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist
Certified EFT Couples Therapist
Shirley is the Founder and Clinical Director at Relationship Counselling Toronto, a virtual practice specializing in supporting couples and individuals with relationship challenges.
Shirley identifies as an Asian therapist from Hong Kong and in an intercultural marriage and a mother of two. She's passionate about helping busy couples who are on the family building journey and raising young children to navigate conflict, improve communication, and deepen emotional connection and physical intimacy. Her hope is that couples can stay curious about each other's experiences and gain practical tools to build a fulfilling relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
She loves nature, outdoor activities, and travelling around the world.
Website:https://relationshipcounsellingtoronto.com
Email: shirley@relationshipcounsellingtoronto.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationship.counselling.to